headache.

and dont expect an update written at 3 am from a spinning dizzy brain to make any sense.

life is the continuous occurence of conflictual theory, cool people and vibrations, uninteresting people and craps.

im so much behind with readings at school. What that means? it means no weekend for me, but then i will be working hiring staff for my women centre and other meetings this weekend for leadership retreat and other thingies.. so again im back to this familiar dilemma of balancing and managing my often overwhelming committments.
And most priority find room to do my study and long readings and finish a letter.

but oi why complain, this is the life i chose eh.. so betta not waste my time complaining but just figure out ummm whatever i can figure out... i just dislike the feeling of how vague that sounds hehe. I wish someone can just figure out all this schedule and time and commitment conflicts for me..hehe. oi well...

and just think too much about personal relationships, umm i donno exactly why but sometimes i just psychological analysis myself too much and right now what i need is probably a break and a deep breathe and a smile at myself in the mirror. Loving and being tolerate to yourself is sometimes a harder thing in life.

But i love myself because i love him and i love my family and because i love myself too as im feeling like im having worth dreaming dreams ..and life is all about having dreams, chasing them, or building them as we say in different ways.

holy crap my head is spinning and my brain just cant resist anymore so i gotta go to bed. I hope he feels better and has a good sleep and feel peaceful and engaged with the world and life knowing how much i love him. And hope my family know there are hard moments and sometimes i just do not understand why they have so much love and acceptance for one another to cope with this distance family relationship we have had all this year. Family seem not to be a social constructed fabric but more of a bond between kinships and friends. I just keep asking myself how that could work.. but for now i just let myself feel priviledged and appreciative and beloved and loving.

and so life is crappy and chaotic and cul de sac but also fulfilling and real and peaceful ...

and my update is a ramble but it made much sense, maybe not to you, but to me and my beloveds.

and that is okay. Just enjoy your world and keep loving it more.

and sleep more and eat more healthy too. How can you make cute projects for the ones u love with a spinning head eh?
and probably the best gift you can give them from so far away is to take care of yourself the best you can.

EYAMRN.

thanks for sharing it, i thought its interesting to share with others too ..=)

Numb to the Bums - http://www.dailycal.org/article.php?id=16047

Alina Chen

Berkeley has a reputation for being colorfully unparalleled, but there’s no one element that encompasses this magnificent city. There’s something unique about Berkeley that really radiates. It may be the urban twist, the street vendors eager to barter over 50 cents, or the mom-and-pop eateries found only in Berkeley. A less obvious choice would be the unwashed and unsheltered nomads that roam the streets.

It’s unfeasible to stroll down Telegraph Avenue without encountering at least five people pleading for money, food or a doobie. This vivacious city we call Berkeley is decorated by homeless individuals on numerous street corners near you. The street drifters and dwellers are an integral part of Berkeley’s demographic and have been since the peace-loving hippy era. Forty percent of Alameda County’s chronically homeless spend their nights in Berkeley, making this city a natural fairground for the carnival of transients.

In contrast to the fairly stagnant presence of the homeless, there is a continuously rotating population of students. One third of Berkeley’s population of 100,000 is composed of students who for four to five years are engrossed with their academic, spiritual and social lives. The relationship between these two dissimilar groups creates a notable dynamic that affects our daily walk.

Upon immediately spotting a homeless person a few meters away, many students compulsorily change their course of direction in order to steer clear of their existence like the sidewalk inhabiters are road kill. Periodically, it’s too late by the time the student detects their presence, so he picks up his pace, raises his head high, and pretends to be deaf to the plea for assistance. I would imagine being homeless and asking for money or food puts a bullet through self-dignity and pride, but being unworthy of someone’s time or acknowledgement must deepen their sense of nonexistence.

While a few folks feel a burning compassion to feed, shower and clothe each vagrant they meet, the majority of us overlook their requests as annoying yelps. There’s no use in denying it … many of us heartlessly go out of our way to evade contact with anyone sporting a cardboard sign or a plastic cup. Some students dodge the homeless like they avoid the awkward hug goodbye after a horrific date.

Is it true? Have we all become numb to bums? With the plethora of homeless people, their multitude condemns them to fade away unnoticed. I have gotten so accustomed to their presence that they appear no different than street furniture. Lamp posts, newspaper stands, and homeless folk all eccentrically melt together in a serene Monet scene. Day after day, hundreds of us shrug our shoulders and permit them to be dehumanized.

So why is it that there is such a vast need in a world of plenty? Because people like me are tight-fisted with our money and nearly come to tears when asked to part with the scintillating green goodness. Indeed, it may be sketchy to loosely distribute bills to the beggars, because you could be feeding into their perpetual state of despair if they spend your dough on hash or booze. However, there are other means of assisting them via food and clothes donations.

Have some loose change in your pocket? Buy someone a Top Dog. Have some leftover soup and salad? Give it to the man in the wheelchair who chills outside Intermezzo Cafe. Have an old sweater that doesn’t fit after your freshman 15? Drop it off at People’s Park.

We can’t cure the world of poverty one sandwich at a time, but apathy gets absolutely nothing done. Indeed, we are struggling college students that have an arduous time making our own ends meet, but that justification to be blind to the homeless only goes so far. Try to reopen your eyes to those that reside on the sidewalk, provide some sustenance and make a few of them truly “happy, happy, happy,” like the old Asian man proclaims on the corner of Bancroft Way and Telegraph Avenue.

When it comes down to it, I’m not going to hold your hand and coax you into dropping a penny here and there. Also, I’m not pulling a Mother Theresa on you because ultimately, it’s your call whether or not you want to provide a helping hand. Just remember that money (along with beauty, youth, and eventually the popularity of the pleated mini skirt) is fleeting.

this is my second update in a day. Havent done that in a while. But ive got good news to share. Ive got a new baby cousin!!! i m sooo happy.. I hope she will enjoy living in this world and grow up to be a beautiful being despite where she comes from.
I m having friends over tonight. Its great to have friends but i also wanna spend more time for my traveller of the sea ;-). Well i will just stay up late but its ok as long as i feel so much love.
and i am feeling deeply!

however, these are the words that are key in update if there were one : love, rain, walking feet on wet street surrounded by dead leaves and rising grass smell, dizziness,drawing for lover,fried vegetables,readin + tea= comfort zone,dirty clothes, missing him, mom is great,chaotic world, beautiful life, time imprison,energy conquer,creativity resists, pain is self inflicted, thinking feels like eating cheese or gummy worms, so much to do, event calendar set but will tomorrow exist put out questions upon questions, different world, different friends but good.Looking at little things bring thoughts. Thinking of him. And good food.And love feels so good.School begins. Work and more work. balance how?
Thinking woman. Struggling woman.Happy woman.Woman living and in love.